The Sexual land of Wahhabis
The Saudi government has the most humiliating and annoying rules regarding Arab residents. I had to leave Saudi Arabia permanently because my father died! My family preferred to stay there since my mother had her contract for a few years ahead. However, trying to make best of every setback I face, I decided to try to have sex with my longtime intermediate/high school crush! Let’s call him Amjad for now!
Amjad was a Palestinian from Gaza with an Egyptian temporary passport. Arabs have always been bad to Gaza people – the way they ignored the Israeli massacres there, how Hosni Mubarak’s regime handled the situation, and the total ignorance of their agony are yet a few examples – Amjad was, to the world, just another “Gazzawi”! He wasn’t allowed into any Arab country – he wasn’t even allowed to go back to Egypt!
Knowing all that, I decided to hit on Amjad once I arrive to KSA. “I won’t see him again anyway, so if he hates me or turned out to be a homophobic maniac, I would only lose being in contact with him”, this is how I thought of it.
Furthermore, I had finished by then a research about homosexuality in Islam, and I wanted to discuss it with some Sheikhs in Medina – those were the friends of my grandfather and my father!
As expected, the Sheikhs were nothing but a disappointment. The thought of discussing any research with Wahhabis is a waste of time, even though they said that my findings were true, i.e. the conclusion about the Islamic presumption that one is born gay is correct and valid. However, the sheikhs don’t like to discuss that fact since Islam, like all other religions, dictates that homosexual should suppress their feelings and desires!
Amjad was a disappointment in a different aspect – he didn’t want to have sex during Ramadan! I had to endure 15 days of foreplay before having my first sexual experience! Unfortunately, the day I had sex with Amjad was the last day I saw him. He had to leave the next day to Riyadh to visit his sister.
What I realized on the following few days was that Medina was anything but the “holy city” everybody thinks it is. Medina was literally a cruising area! I had had that feeling for a long time before that, but I never expected to pick up guys in Medina’s Holy Mosque of Prophet Muhammad – the second most important mosque in Islam! Yes! I used to be a practicing Muslim before finding out that the idea of a “god” doesn’t work for me!
The only thing I regret is that I took too long before trying to have sex in Saudi Arabia. I remember those few experiences to be the funniest yet the most intriguing ones. I was picked up once by a “sheikh” who had Quran on his car radio while we were having sex. Another one kept touching my hand while we were praying the Friday prayer in Medina’s Holy Mosque. Damn! I wonder what might be happening there now!
Aleppo’s Bitter Delights
Aleppo is known for its cuisine, sweets, soaps, cotton, and elegant people, however, its gay men were deliciously and elegantly paranoid, and still are to some extent.
Unlike the “gay community” in Damascus, Aleppo gay men never tried to claim a café or any kind of place as their own. The only means to meet gay men were the cruising areas. Additionally, the cruising process needs to take at least 45 minutes; otherwise, the cruiser will be avoided for being too forward and will be deemed exposed to everyone! Unfortunately, the cruising process was sometimes longer than the sex itself.
Moreover, Aleppo people are known for their “big bribes” which made the gay people there an ideal target for security and police officers. Besides, cruising is just an unwanted pain in the ass during the cold winters of Aleppo. One could only hook up with desperate super-horny fast cummers back then. I decided to follow Saul’s road to Damascus in order to see the light in the dark nights of Syrian winters! Damascus was, is, and will always be worth it!
The agony of cruising in Aleppo was for my benefit to some degree – the guy I had met earlier called me one night asking to meet again. I invited him home, and he became a “regular” until we ended up having a relationship. It was to me, at the beginning of it, convenient! It ended near the dawn of internet in the Arab world.
The Cyber Torture
The way I understand online dating is that it is a way to save the time spent in cruising. It is supposed to make meeting other people easier, not near impossible! Yet, gay people in the MENA region managed to make it a way to extend the torture imposed upon them by the law, religion and societies. They expect you to be mentally and physically available for long chats before they even think of passing their phone numbers to you. It was almost impossible to meet gay Syrians online, which made the online dating experience a real torture! Comparing that to the 45-minute cruising time, cruising was a delight!
I knew later that online dating is not a pleasant experience anywhere – people just take their complexes and throw them at your face, online! However, it was always easier to meet people in other countries through those sites – I think being a visitor makes anyone more desirable somehow!
The Royal Drama Queens
Jordan, the only country with an age of consent for homosexuals in the region, is the country where drama queens think they are literally “queens”! Their majesties are more pretentious than the Lebanese, more gossipy than the Syrians, and more arrogant than the Saudis. The only good sex I ever had there was with Imams at mosques – I think the Islamic teaching of “being equal before Allah” made them more tolerable!
Je ne suis pas arabe, je suis libanais!
Not only do the Lebanese think that they are a different superior race, they also think pretentiousness is actually a good quality. In short, they are the French of the region! However, no matter how annoying the Lebanese people might be, gay Lebanese are indeed a different superior race compared to their own people. They, along with the gay Damascenes, are the best in the region. Lebanon became more enjoyable when I started meeting gay Lebanese. Unfortunately, many of them are as paranoid as the rest of gay Arabs, more annoyingly paranoid sometimes! Nonetheless, they will always be my favorites, second only to non-Aleppo Syrians, despite their pretentiousness!
The Priests Network
“Hello! My name is D. I will be in Aleppo on 12 July”, I found this message in my inbox from a photo-less Greece-based profile! Being too busy to chat or check messages regularly, I just replied with “OK. My number is 009639xxxxxxx, call me when you are there, maybe you look better in person”!
12 July 2006, A text message from a Greek number: “Hello, it’s D. from Greece. I am in Aleppo!”
I was free that day, so I called him…
D.: Hello my friend, how are you?
Me: I’m fine… Thanks… you?
D.: I am talking a walk now in the old city… when are you free to meet?
Me: I am free if you want to meet up now… How long are you staying?
D.: Three days…
Me: Well, I won’t be free tomorrow, so I think it is better to meet today.
D.: OK. Can you come to the old city… or you want to meet me at the —- hotel?
Me: No. I prefer we meet for a drink today… I will come to the old city… I’m only 20 minutes away… but I don’t know how you look like…
D.: You will recognize me habibi… We are two men wearing black “gallabiyah”! (gallabiyah is what Syrians call the traditional Arabian robe which GCC people still wear until now)
Me: Black gallabiyah? It is too hot to wear a black gallabiyah… why black anyway? (It was then when I expected his answer)
D.: I am abouna (priest) habibi…
Me: and your friend is a priest too?
D.: yes habibi… is it a problem?
Me: Not at all… so… are you gay or just researching the subject for the Syrian church?
D.: Hahahaha! No habibi… no research… will you come?
Me: Yes… I’m coming right away!
The good nice D. was heading a parishioners’ visit to the holy lands! He wanted to have sex on the church’s expense! He was only 39 and even looked younger – his other priest friend was older but better-looking. It was a nice meeting, and I was intrigued to know how it might turn out to be. I went with them to the luxurious hotel they booked for the holy pilgrimage trip, and I ended up having sex with both of them, separately.
Sex with the priests was strangely nice – it was distinctively nice, tender, and “fatherly”. However, the pillow talk was all about their struggle with their sexuality.
Me: Aren’t you supposed to take vows of celibacy?
D.: Yes… but some priests are married… we are Orthodox… do you want me to explain it to you?
Me: No, I know exactly what you mean… married men cannot be bishops but can be ordained to any other order in the Orthodox Churches…
D.: Correct… are you Orthodox?
Me: No… I don’t believe in religions!
D.: Maybe in your heart you want to be a Christian…
Me: Nah! But even if I want to… I won’t do it under your communion! Hahaha (I kissed him afterwards) and continued… are there many gay priests?!
D.: Yes, of course… but Orthodox do not rape children!
I thought: (WTF?) … Me: Do you meet each other?
D.: I don’t like priests… not all of them are my type…
Me: but sometimes you don’t have any other option…
D.: Yes… you’re right… (sigh)
Me: Do you know gay Arab priests?
D.: Yes… of course… I know many…
Me: Can you introduce me to them?
D.: Yes… but not all of them are Orthodox…
Me: Sweetie… it’s not a marriage… it’s just a holy sex…
Not only did D. introduce me to gay Arab priests, he also introduced me to other gay Greek priests who were on other pilgrimage trips to Syria!
The New Hobby
Some collect stamps, some collect coins, but after the “D. experience”, I started to collect “men of monotheistic religions”. D. opened up my eyes to the sectarianism of men of religion – I should be looking for sheikhs of all sects and priests of all churches! The priests network served that objective amazingly well, as for the sheikhs, travelling between Syria and Lebanon took care of that as well. Thankfully, I had had sex with a Wahhabi sheikh before. Phew!
I was through with sheikhs and mosques of Islam and priests and churches of Christianity, which left me with the biggest challenge for a Syrian – rabbis and synagogues!
I was reasonable enough to eliminate the idea of sex in a synagogue, yet, I kept looking for a rabbi, until I met one in Jordan. The rabbi was on a religious trip to Jordan and “Israel”, I had a Jewish sex, which was even more “strict” than the Islamic one. I regretted it; however, I completed my collection!
Sex in the land of monotheism with the men of monotheistic religions led me to believe more in my theory about the idea of god and religions…
Let’s say God do exist… He created Jews who got so full of themselves until he was so annoyed by them that he created Christians who paid more attention to his son until he got sick of them, so he created Muslims who made him regret it so much that he never attempted to create any other shitty religion ever again!
So far so good… but who’s going to clean up this mess that they created!