I have always been proud of who I am. This is why, after researching the subject of sexuality and being sure of mine, I became, at the age of 20, to be what anyone could call a proud gay man.
Even though I was not familiar with the term “proud to be gay”, I was a living example of the few Arabs who are proud of their sexuality. It wasn’t really a subject of taking pride in homosexuality as much as being able to be proud of myself as I am.
Sexuality is a part of who we are anyway – a big part, but still only a part of who we are. I grew up having that in mind, but I will explain this better later, as I want to tell you now about my first homosexual experience. Moreover, I also found out back then about the real look in Islam towards homosexuality – it is not as those sheikhs want us to believe.
As I said in the previous post, I was already familiar with the cruising area and the whole “universal” eye-contact process, so I just went out on a hunting trip to that cruising park. I didn’t like what I saw – why does everything look better from afar when you don’t want it?
Being sick of that park, I went to spend some time in Aleppo Public Park, and it was a good decision! Aleppo Public Park was even a better cruising area than the other one – at least on that day there were better-looking men – most importantly YOUNGER better-looking men!
A gorgeous young man kept giving me the kind of looks you all know about, over and over, for more than 40 minutes! “What is he doing? I already smiled at him, nudged my head, and did everything I think I should do. What should I do more? Grrrrrrrrr!” this is what I thought. Being too proud to approach anyone, and the fact that it was my first time, made me unable to do anything more to initiate the first contact. I just sat there wondering how it was going to end.
The answer to all the questions in my mind came, as usual, unexpectedly. I looked bored and tired of waiting, looked at my watch, and was about to leave when that guy finally asked me “what time is it?”
Guys, believe me, even for an inexperienced young man this line is lame! We should tell people just to stop using it – it is stupid, and urgh! However, who am I to complain about something that has been happening for decades. I just smiled and sat down again.
It was a good talk with some nice touches, and funny “innuendoes”. I kept thinking however, “I did all this research, tackled all the aspects of the subject – medical, psychological, and religious – I even had sex with a woman before inspiring her to repent – is this what I want – a random sexual experience to be my first? Hell no! He’s gorgeous, yes! But I don’t want to remember him all my life as my first! What if he turned out to be a psycho?”
The guy didn’t turn out to be a psycho, thankfully. However, I didn’t find that out on that day. I just adjusted my intended visit to my family in KSA to be on the following day while it was actually in 3 weeks. I also calculated the time I was going to spend there and told him when I was supposed to come back. “It’s a long visit”, he said. “Well… Yes, but I really miss them! (At this point, I was trying to be so cute! It doesn’t take too much effort by the way – I am cute, even now! LOL)
The guy kept asking to meet after I come back, which was not a bad idea at that time – like I said, he looked gorgeous! I gave him my home phone number and left back home. It was the day I stopped answering my phone until I got back. (Duh! I don’t want to be caught lying! Can you blame me?)
“Shit! I should have had sex with him, I am so horny”, was the thought that kept me uneasy in bed that night.
Thinking about how I want my first homosexual experience to be, I decided to wait until I go back to Saudi Arabia. It was my last planned visit, and I wasn’t going to go back there ever again. I had this long time crush on a teacher and on a classmate. I really wanted it to be the classmate – the teacher was 10 years older!
Interestingly, I was going to Medina, KSA, to have my first sexual experience, and to speak to some sheikhs about the conclusions of my research about homosexuality in Islam. It seemed to me like a Hijra! Another prophet coming to Medina! A Gay Prophet! Yeah, right!
See you next week! Enjoy your weekend. ;-)
I will write more about my story extensively next week. Sorry… but been busy… :-P